Today, I woke up alive. I felt empty. Today is March 2, it was Mama Ba's birthday. 11 years has passed on, and yet I still miss you. I woke up feeling so down. I just hate the feeling of this sore pain in the core of my soul. I just dont know how to get back to the way I used to be. As if I am counting the days of my death.
I have no else to blame except my self. All I do right now is regret, regrets that kept playing over and over again. I should have been in my home country, but I often argue with myself, what will I do there? Considering this pandemic, MF! I just hate everything. This is not my usual self. I normally care less of everything, of people around me, of the environment, of the world. But now, even the smallest and non-sense stuff I kept worrying about. I am too stressed about everything.
Sometimes I often wonder, what is my purpose. Do I have a purpose? Why am I so burned out of my stupid life? Is this karma? But how do I cleanse my evil soul? Can someone save me from my insanity, from my misery, from this drama, from my own self? I am just too hating everything. There is no spark in my own self. I lost my self-esteem, my confidence level now is way too low. Perhaps you cannot blame me. I have so tried so hard to pass every interview, but what is wrong with me. Am I not good enough for anyone? So tell me why am I still alive in this universe that could not help me.
I am living from day to day the same routine. It is like I am on my death bed, the difference is I am capable of anything, but the chance to change things was never given, Some people will say, keep trying, but do they know that I keep going. Surviving the daily nuances of this life.
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