SOME GOOD THINGS NEVER LAST

How long has it been since we parted ways, I still have thoughts of you...  Today I was browsing my files, and saw a bunch of photos that werent uploaded, I froze, and cringe in sadness as I gaze in every photo of us.  I stoppped.  I cant bear the thought that you were gone.  Yesterday I saw a photo of the new one,  I am not sure, but I think thats the one.  I couldn't feel a thing.  I couldn't wish you happiness, neither come back.

I was hurt,  I can't go back to you.  I love you still but what you made me feel made me detract from my feelings.I don't want us to keep breaking each others heart,  I have set you free ( as I thought)...

You will be forever in my heart.  The memories that kept lingering in my mind just sits there,  I wanted to stop playing those ended happy thoughts as it breaks my heart over and over.  I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry but my tears just dried up.  I just couldn't bear the fact that its over.

My brain is is deranged and disarray. I could have loved you better. Could have given you the best of me, but all I have given was the worst in me.  You were perfect in my eyes, but I was so blinded by my crazy and evil self 

I am not capable of loving you, as I cannot even love my own self.

I am selfish and disoriented. Perhaps I am really damaged from my past. And that is irreparably  dumb.  Needless to say I'm sorry for my sore self.  You deserve better than me. 

I will always love you, and I will never ever forget you. You made me realize so many things, brought up happiness to my sadness. Perhaps I am just ignoring the fact that I have depression, an incurable one. I cannot see the sun even on a sunny and bright day. It always rains and all I see is darkness. I can't be contentedly happy. What is wrong with me?

I just hope that someday soon, we will be fine. And so that when we look at each others eyes, the pain and suffering that we both felt will be gone.

Thank you for loving me unconditionally, thank you for taking care of me. And most importantly thank you for seeing the best in me when I, myself could not see.

May your life be as worderful as you ever imagined it to be, because you truly deserved it all.

Goodbye my love...

WHY DOES SADNESS EXIST?

 Today, I woke up alive.  I felt empty.  Today is March 2, it was Mama Ba's birthday.    11 years has passed on, and yet I still miss you.  I woke up feeling so down.  I just hate the feeling of this sore pain in the core of my soul.  I just dont know how to get back to the way I used to be.  As if I am counting the days of my death.

I have no else to blame except my self.  All I do right now is regret, regrets that kept playing over and over again.  I should have been in my home country, but I often argue with myself, what will I do there?  Considering this pandemic, MF! I just hate everything.  This is not my usual self.  I normally care less of everything, of people around me, of the environment, of the world.  But now, even the smallest and non-sense stuff I kept worrying about.  I am too stressed about everything.

Sometimes I often wonder, what is my purpose.  Do I have a purpose?  Why am I so burned out of my stupid life?  Is this karma?  But how do I cleanse my evil soul?   Can someone save me from my insanity, from my misery, from this drama, from my own self?  I am just too hating everything.  There is no spark in my own self.  I lost my self-esteem,  my confidence level now is way too low.  Perhaps you cannot blame me.  I have so tried so hard to pass every interview, but what is wrong with me.  Am I not good enough for anyone?  So tell me why am I still alive in this universe that could not help me.

I am living from day to day the same routine.  It is like I am on my death bed, the difference is I am capable of anything, but the chance to change things was never given,  Some people will say, keep trying, but do they know that I keep going.  Surviving the daily nuances of this life.